Let's Talk About Control
Guess what? I have in fact realized I don't have control powers over my life (LOL). A large reason for this is because my husband is an active duty officer in the US Army - something I am unbelievably proud of, while at the same unbelievably terrified of. While that is a big reason for lack of control, its also just a reality being an adult and living in a world where there is sin and hurt and brokenness.
Lately this has meant having a week to move across the country and settle into a brand new place where we know no one and starting a brand new life with Daniel's job. Finding out that the medication for Daniel's dad's brain cancer has stopped working. Learning that Daniel's scheduled deployment to Korea has a large chance of switching Iraq (big difference in the fear department). The reality that I need to be making more money. The state of America. The state of the Church. The need to get life insurance, auto insurance, renters insurance, ring insurance, and moving all our funds into a different bank. I MEAN HELLO WILL IT EVER END.
Why am I having to wrestling with the reality that my husband may not return to me after deployment, and I could be a widow before I am 24 years old? Why do I question if the sacrifices so many men and women in the military are making are worth it? God, I have already lost my mom, can I really lose my husband too? It makes me sick.
Why are we just now getting super intentional with family after knowing that cancer may steal time with our dad?
Why am I worried about the country and culture my children will grow up in? Will they be so confused as to who they are, what's right and wrong? Will they know Jesus intimately?
I'm having trouble with these things, because I have misplaced where my trust lies.
I am fearful because I had placed my trust in humans, in myself, in my marriage when each one of these things will 100% fail me every single time. I let these fears and realities turn me to the internet and tv and distractions instead of on my knees.
Because Satan tempts us to silence our worship when we are walking through the desert.
He wants to make everything of this world louder to quiet the voice of the Holy Spirit.
He wants us to forget the hand of faithfulness and kindness that the Father has shown us before to convince us that we will surely not survive this season.
He we wants us to forget the real attributes of God and make us fearful of what he will do next to "mess with our life, our plans."
This morning I simply sat in the silence and heard from God:
MS, do you really think my ultimate plan is to bring you a bunch of hurt to see how much you trust me and to test your faithfulness?
I want to dance around with you this morning.
I want to hold your hand and walk you through Daniel's deployment. It will grow our relationship immensely.
I desire intimacy and good things for you, my love.
I am so proud of you, and my opinion is the only one that matters.
I have incredible plans for you - I know your dreams, because I placed them inside you for my glory.
You are doing a good job, even when you feel like you don't measure up.
I am holding your marriage and family in my hands.
I am holding America.
Here's what I am learning: sometimes you have to come hurt, confused, open, scared, fragile to the foot of the cross to find restoration. We have to be completely broken to walk towards restoration.
Today, instead of letting fear and worry and frustration and anger and divides steal our worship, let's sing truths of power and revival and possibilities in our lives and in our nation and in this world. I pray that the following songs will guide you in getting intimate with the Spirit today.
Therefore let all the faithful pray to you
while you may be found;
surely the rising of the mighty waters
will not reach them.
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.