the blunt behind the bliss
I'll be honest, life after marriage is far from what I'd thought it be.
We started off marriage living together for two weeks before Daniel moved to Oklahoma alone so I could finish working in Charlotte, living apart for over a month. I left my dream job, my community, my best friends, and my family for Daniel's job in the military. I had convinced myself that marriage was this game of give and take - now we are doing what Daniel feels called to, and later I can fulfill my calling and it will be about me. I continued thinking that my life was on hold and wouldn't begin until I was in a place where I could flourish and be used by God, doing "big things for the Kingdom", as if the rise and fall of the Kingdom of God resided on me.
The problem with this thinking is that it left me feeling neglected, rejected, and forgotten not only by Daniel, but also by God. I'll clarify by saying that these were not actual realities - they were lies I was choosing to believe amidst loneliness and isolation.
Instead of living from the place that I was a "loved daughter of God", I was choosing to live from the place of "lonely wife with no purpose." This put an unfair weight on my husband who was never meant to satisfy or fill my needs. In fact he was working unimaginably hard so that I didn't have to.
I had convinced myself that at twenty-two, I had to be confident in my calling and who I was in Christ, or I had completely lost my chance in ministry.
Thats the lie that the world is telling us right? If you don't take hold of your opportunities now, you will never get them back. You didn't work hard enough, you were lazy, you chose marriage instead of your career, blah blah blah.
But here's the good news that I am finally able to realize - we are children of the Dream-Giver. This not only means that God see's our dreams and knows them, but he placed them in our hearts. Our lives and callings are thought up, uniquely created, and put in us by the Dream-Giver. Our job is to simply trust. Trust that God knows where I will be in the middle of nowhere in Oklahoma, where I will be when my husband deploys, where I will be when I am raising babies - all of it. There's not one single calling or a single purpose for me in this life, and there's definitely no missing the purposes of God.
So thats where I am today - realizing that my place now is at the kitchen sink, in the living room folding clothes, and being available and completely present for Daniel right now. Not because this part of our lives is all about him, but because this is where God has decided to do the most internal life change in me right now in this season. And that is all the purpose I need.