it's okay to not feel ready
Life is continually ebbing and flowing between one season to the next. We are never in one place for too long. The moment we get comfortable, it gets a little bit colder, a little warmer, and we are forced to deal with the gradual move between seasons.
That’s how I feel about my life right now. I am merging the end of my childhood years with becoming a wife all within six days, while deciphering dreams the Lord has placed on my heart. It is not easy. I do not feel ready.
I have been spending a lot of time lately in the book of Exodus. God calls Moses to deliver the Israelites from the slavery in Egypt (Exodus 3). When Moses hears God's call, his response is nothing more than "God, that's amazing and all, but do you even know how messed up and broken I am? I fled Egypt because I killed a man (Exodus 2:11-15), these people won't listen to me (Exodus 3:13), and I have a speech impediment (Exodus 4:10)."
I can't help but think of myself as Moses here. Honestly, a lot of my conversations with the Lord lately have sounded like "How am I supposed to plan anything when we don't know anything? How am I capable of being a present senior in college while planning and preparing for such life change? How am I supposed to move forward in my callings when I don't even know where I will live this next year?"
But God responds to Moses' doubts by saying, "I AM WHO I AM" (Exodus 3:14). He responds to Moses' speech problem by saying, "Who gave him this mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and teach you what to say" (Exodus 4:11-12).
The Lord so sweetly reminds us that He hears us and He knows us. He knows the parts of ourselves we pray no one ever sees. He knows our weaknesses and our fears. But while knowing the darkest parts of us, He sees how our weaknesses can be used for Him, and how our fears can draw us closer to HIm. He knows what we are able to do through Him and for His glory. He reminds us to not let the lies of Satan be so loud that we don't hear His truths and his plans for us.
It's ironic that we pray big prayers over our lives and when they are answered, we doubt. We doubt the faithfulness of God. We doubt who He says we are and who we were made to be. We doubt the plan. The plan that God calls immeasurably more than anything we could ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20), we call risky and unlikely.
What if we started looking back at the faithfulness of God as the answer to the prayers we are praying today?
Reflect on where you were and where you are. What prayers were answered, and which ones were not. We may not feel ready, but when we choose to look back on the faithfulness of God rather than the uncertainty of today's circumstances, the posture of our hearts turns from anxious to expectant. As my friend reminded me recently, seasons have to change, because if the leaves and flowers do not wither away during the winter, we don't get to see the new life that comes alive when spring appears. Rather than focusing on the pruning and the dying, wait expectantly for the growth and new life that comes with the new seasons.